We Had Everything Left of Our Hearts In Those Jars
by kissables333
Summary: Songfics.
1. Everything We Had

**Song: Everything We Had by The Academy Is...**

**Lyrics belong to The Academy Is... and recognizable characters and HP-verse belong to Rowling.**

* * *

><p>He was in love with her from the first moment he saw her.<p>

She deserved the world; he would've gladly given it to her if he could've.

But he couldn't.

He knew he fell far short of everything she deserved.

Things were falling apart.

**You were the only face I'd ever known  
>I was the light from the lamp on the floor<br>And only as bright as you wanted me to be  
><strong>

At school they were perfect. Within the walls of Hogwarts, there was not a war being waged. There was no death, no pain to worry about.

There was just him and her beneath his bed covers in an empty dormitory.

Once they left, things were different. They fought; they yelled and he turned to dank and hollow pubs to forget their arguments.

And as more drinks were served, there were more girls that grabbed his notice.

They couldn't compare. They had not a chance of being her. But he won those girls over none the less; he got invitations into their beds for a night all the while she waited at home for him.

He didn't deserve her.

He knew it; he knew it all too well.

**But I am no gentleman  
>I can be a prick<br>And I do regret more than I admit  
><strong>

Their demise took place years upon years ago.

He had been drunk; his head had been killing him. He hardly understood what was going on as he struggled to free himself from the tangle of bed sheets. He had ignored the nameless girl in the corner who embarrassedly rushed to put on her clothes.

"Babe, w-wait." The words had drunkenly spilled from his lips as he stumbled out of their bedroom and after her. "Jus—just w-w-wait." he had slurred, blinking hard after every word to still the pounding of his head.

She had stopped with her hand on the doorknob of their apartment.

"I should've expected this from you." she had muttered.

"Babe—"

She spun on her heel to face him; her face had been contoured with anger.

"Don't call me 'babe,' Sirius." she had snapped as she shook her head, ginger curls sent bouncing about.

He had winced; her voice had been loud and shrill on his ears. He had needed her to stay for a moment so he could explain. He had just needed her to stop speaking so loudly and let him clear his head for a moment; everything was so hazy and the room was spinning.

"I even knew that—" she had bitten her lip and pulled her eyes off of him. She was trying so hard to be strong; he had recognized that despite the drunken haze that covered his mind. "Don't call me _that_ when you have another girl in your bed."

"I—"

"It's not even the first time, is it?" she had accused loudly.

"Liv, j-just calm down—"

"No! I will not calm down! I've been wasting my life with you!"

"Olivia, just shut up—"

"Just fucking tell me! Was it the first time?"

Merlin, he had just wanted her to be quiet. But she would not. She would not stop and she had just been standing there, staring at him as if he was the scum of the world and…and…

And he had been drunk.

And he had been angry.

And his head had been pounding.

And his chest had been hurting inexplicably.

And the gnawing feeling in his stomach would not go away.

And he had wanted her to be in pain like he was.

And there were a million reasons that were clear to him why he did, why he answered.

"No." his shoulders had slumped in defeat as he stared at her.

"Do you even know any of their names?"

"No."

"Do you regret them?"

"No."

The door slammed shut behind her.

Sirius went back to bed.

**You have been followed  
><strong>

He had woken up the next morning to a cold and empty bed. It had taken him a moment before he realized what had happened the night before.

Scrambling, he had struggled out of bed and tried to find something to wear as his head pulsed angrily.

He knew there was only one place she could've been.

Moments later he had landed at Remus' front door and burst through the threshold.

Sirius was greeted by Remus holding out a steaming cup of tea to him.

"Where is she?" he asked knocking the drink out of Remus' hand. The cup hit the ground and shattered. The hot liquid spread across the floor as steam rose from the puddle.

"You can't do this to her, Sirius." Remus intoned quickly.

"Sod off, Moony! Where is she?" It was not Remus' decision what he could and couldn't do. What did he know anyway? Remus couldn't keep him away from her.

"I can't tell you."

"Look," Sirius let out a ragged breath. "I know I did something stupid but—"

"Sirius, she's had enough."

"No. No!" Sirius shook his head. It couldn't be true. "I'm in love with her, Remus! Stop playing protector and tell me where she is!"

"Oh, you're in love with her?" his friend scoffed incredulously. "You've got a bloody odd way of showing it!"

"I—I was drunk." he mumbled as his stomach churned shamefully.

"That's piss-poor excuse and you know it."

"Well, that's all I've got."

"Let her go, Sirius," Remus pleaded.

"Let her go, you say? Of course! Of course that's what you'd tell me to do! You've…you've been in love with her since we were first years! Of course you'd tell me to give her up! That's what you've been waiting for all of this time!" Sirius yelled at his friend.

"Don't act like all of this is my fault—like this has been one big master plan of mine. You messed up. You screwed her over. You picked those girls over her. _You_ let her go."

"Shut up! Shut up! Tell me where she is!"

"I can't."

"Remus, please—"

"You're not good for her, Padfoot."

"And who are you to decide that? Who are you to keep me from telling her?"

"She told me to not let you find her."

"Of course she did! She wants to make this bloody difficult! She wants…she wants me to proof that I love her by fighting to find her! She wants to be chased!"

"Padfoot—"

"She's here, isn't she? What, is she hiding in your room?" He took quick strides to the closed door down the hall.

Trying the knob, he found it locked. "Olivia, please. I know you're there. Just open the door so I can talk to you. Please! Let me explain!" he cried, banging on the door again and again. "Liv! Come on! I need to— I need to explain!"

"You need to leave, Sirius." Remus' voice came softly at his back.

"No! Not until she opens the door!" he resumed banging loudly on the door. "Olivia! Olivia, open the door!"

"She needs you to let her go. For once, just think of her first."

He let out a strangled breath and rested his head against the closed door.

Whispering, he said, "Olivia, please. I love you. I don't…I don't think I can live without you. I know…I know I messed up but…please…"

There was no reply.

**Back to same place I  
>Sat with you drink for drink<br>**

He was going mad. He was entirely sure of it.

Sirius began to guess where she would be; he tried to find her, knowing she wouldn't spend all of her time in Remus' flat.

Weeks passed and her scent had begun to fade from her things. Her pillow no longer smelled like her shampoo; the sheets were no longer filled with the scent of her skin.

He was dying without her. He was going mad. Everything seemed more hostile with her gone. The monsters in his mind were attacking him, telling him he couldn't be trusted, telling him he would hurt anyone who trusted him.

Finally, he found her.

In reality, he should've tried looking for her at the Leaky Cauldron first. It should've been the first place he thought of, but he didn't.

It had been weeks. He looked ragged and scraggly but he had found her.

The sight of her, shoulders slumped dismally, while she occupied a barstool sent his heart fluttering.

"Olivia."

He slid quietly onto the barstool next to her.

She didn't look at him but he knew she heard him.

**Take the pain out of love  
>And then love won't exist<br>**

"I should've expected this from you." she murmured.

"Liv—"

"Why did you want to hurt me so much, Sirius? What did I do to you?" she asked as she swirled the fire whiskey in her glass.

"Nothing, I swear. You were—"

"Don't. Don't go there." she bit her lip. "I don't…I need you to stop, Sirius."

"I can't—"

"It hurts to see you. Don't you understand? I can't—"

He was losing her again. He found her and now he was letting her slip away. He had to make her remember, had to make her understand.

"Do you remember when—"

"Sirius." her voice was strict; he knew she didn't want him to continue, but she didn't make a move to leave. He continued on.

"Do you remember that night in the dormitory?"

"Sirius—"

**Everything we had**

_She giggled as he placed a kiss on her neck._

"_Sirius, stop it." she giggled still as he kissed her neck again and again._

"_Alright, stop. Now. Honestly." she murmured with a smile on her face as she pushed him away. "You're supposed to be helping me study, not—" He had begun to lean toward her again and she held out her hand to stop him. His forehead hit the palm of her hand and she pushed him away again._

"_I can't fail this Potions test tomorrow. Merlin knows you distract me in that class enough as it is."_

"_S'not my fault I can't help but want to kiss my girl." he murmured as he pulled the Potions book off of her lap and dumped it on the floor._

"_Sirius!" she giggled, "Stop, seriously. I have to—"_

"_We're just going to take a little break, Liv." he whispered as he gentled leaned her down so she lay on his bed._

"_Oh, just a little break?" she teased. "Really, Sirius—" He silenced her with a kiss._

"_I don't—"_

_He placed a quick peck on her lips._

"_Have—"_

_Another._

"_Time—"_

_Another._

"_For—"_

_He moved to straddle her waist as he pressed his lips against hers. Beneath his hands, the quilt on his bed was soft and warm with the heat radiating off of her._

_He pulled away from her for a moment to breathe._

_Opening her eyes slowly, she smiled at him as he leaned above her. _

"_So maybe I have a little time to spare…" she smiled as she sat up quickly and knocked him back against his own sheets. She straddled him this time, her brown hair falling down around her face as he stared up at her. _

_Their lips embraced again and again as the warmth of her mouth filled him and made his heart flutter inconceivably fast._

_And then he knew._

_He knew he lov—_

**Everything we had  
><strong>

"Stop—"

"Do you remember it, Liv? I do. It's all I can think about."

**Everything we had**

_"Olivia?" his voice echoed in the empty lavatory._

_He heard a sniffle behind the locked stall door._

"_Liv, what's wrong? Are you…are you okay?"_

"_Y-yes." her voice cracked. "I-I'm fine._

"_You're lying."_

"_I'm fine, really. I promise."_

"_Liv."_

"_Really," another sniffle came from behind the door. "Nothing's wrong. Just go to dinner. What are you doing in the girls' lavatory anyway?" she let out a forced little giggle that was painful on his ears._

"_Liv…" he whispered, leaning his head against the door of the stall. "I thought you were over him."_

"_Oh," she let out a light, tingling laugh. "I am."_

"_You're sitting in a lavatory stall, crying. I find it a little hard to believe you're over the arse. What happened, Liv? You seemed fine and then he walks in—"_

_The door opened and she just looked at him. Piercing eyes that tore through him._

"_He walked in with the girl he cheated on me with."_

_Sirius' jaw fell open. "You told us that—"_

"_Yes, I know what I told you. It's embarrassing." she shook her head, "I didn't…I didn't want anyone to know."_

"_And why not? We would've taught him a lesson," Sirius moved toward her, trying to sling his arm around her shoulders. "for hurting our girl—" She shrugged out of his embrace._

"_Yeah," she sighed as she sat down against the stone wall of the lavatory. "I know you would've."_

"_Liv…?"_

"_I don't care about him anymore; it's just…"_

"_Just what, Liv?"_

"_What did I do? What was…Why did do he not care enough to just end it? Why didn't he—"_

"_Because he's an arse. That's why. Because he never deserved to have you."_

_She rolled her eyes. "I know he's an arse. I always knew—"_

"_Then why would you waste three months with him?" Sirius asked as he sat down beside her._

_She looked away._

"_Olivia?" he asked quietly. "Why would you? If you knew…"_

"_I…Merlin, it's…it's stupid."_

"_Liv, come on." he said softly as he bumped his shoulder with hers. "What's—"_

"_I was trying to get over you."_

"_I—"_

"_Look, just forget I said anything, okay? I mean…I don't…I don't want things to get weird…I just…you asked," she sighed with a shrug, "You asked and so I had to tell you the truth. I've got a…a…well I've got a crush. And…and don't worry. I'll get over it soon enough so nothing has to change between us." she stood up quickly and tried to make her way out of the lavatory._

"_Liv," Sirius reached out and grabbed her arm, pulling her back to him before she could get away. There was a faint blush tainting her cheeks. As he pulled her back to him, his senses were filled with the distinct smell of vanilla._

"_Come on, Sirius," she murmured, trying to slip her arm out of his grasp, "Just forget it. It's…it's stupid—"_

"_No."_

"_No?"_

"_No, its…it's not stupid. No, I don't want to forget it. No, I don't not want things to change."_

"_Sirius—"_

_His lips were against hers in an instance. His fingers weaved their way into her soft hair, pulling her closer to him while her arms found their way to wrap around his neck._

_And then she was gone, slipping out his grasp as she put a hand to her lips._

"_I'm…I'm sorry." she murmured._

"_Liv—" _

"_I can't."_

"_You can't? Liv, I…I don't…What do you mean?"_

"_I can't…I don't think I can—"_

"_You don't trust me."_

"_It's not that—"_

"_Liv, come on."_

"_Look, Sirius…I have…you date a new girl every week. And you…you expect me to believe that whatever we'd be would last longer than that? You expect me to believe that I'd be enough to hold your interest? I shouldn't have brought it up. I should've just—"_

_She was trying harder to get out of his grasp now._

"_Liv!" She ignored him and struggled to break free. He pulled her into him tightly. His lips found her ear as he softly whispered into her hair, "I promise I will not be like him. I promise you can trust me. You know you can. I promise we'll be the best; we'll make them all so jealous."_

**Everything we had**_  
><em>

_The cold wind blew across Hogsmeade, blowing through them mercilessly._

_She moved closer to him, burying herself into his side._

_He could feel her shivering._

"_Come on," he murmured, pressing a kiss onto the top of her head. "You're cold, let's go back—"_

"_No." she insisted, pulling him closer. "I promised we would go up to the Shrieking Shack—"_

"_You're nearly frozen stiff!" he exclaimed as he enclosed his fingers around hers. "You're going to become a popsicle."_

"_I'll be fine, as long as I have you here to keep me warm."_

**Is no longer there**_  
><em>

"Yes, yes! I remember alright? What does it matter? Who cares if I can remember everything we once had? It doesn't matter anymore."

"It matters to me!"

"The only thing that matters to you is finding a girl to have wrapped in your sheets for another night."

"Olivia, that's not true!"

But it didn't matter. She had already turned on her heel and left him.

**It was the only place I'd ever known  
>Turned off the light on my way out the door<br>**

He returned home alone. He was always alone.

Nothing was right without her.

James and Lily trusted him with their secret, but what if he left them down like he let Olivia down? What if he broke? What if he told?

He couldn't take the chance. He had to make Peter the Secret Keeper; Peter could be trusted. After everything that had happened with Remus, he was the last person Sirius would trust.

The apartment was empty of her things. One night he returned home to find all of her things gone. Her scent was renewed in the flat.

He wanted to cry. She wasn't coming back.

**I will be watching wherever you go  
>Through the eyes of a fly on the wall<br>**

Anger was coursing through him. He had fucked up. He had picked the wrong person to trust. Peter had betrayed them all.

He had tried to make things right, had tried to make Peter pay, but where had that landed him?

**You have been followed  
>Back to same place I<br>Sat with you drink for drink**

He didn't do it. He didn't kill any of those muggles. It was Peter.

He wished he had been the one to kill Peter but the little rat had even taken that from him. The rat had taken his own life and took away Sirius' opportunity to do it.

Sirius wondered what she would think of him when she found out.

On top of finding out about James and Lily, would she think he was a murderer?

Would she think he was capable of it? When she sat alone at the Leaky Cauldron, would she think of him?

**Take the pain out of love  
>And then love won't exist<br>**

Day after day, the pain never dulled.

The ache in him pulsed and pained.

He lost track of time; he lost track of the years.

Every day was just another without her; it was another he spent drowning in memories of what he had let go.

**Everything we had  
><strong>

"_You're so going down, Black!"_

_He scoffed loud enough to be heard by her, where ever she was. "I totally doubt that Liv—" and then he got smacked in the face with a cold, dripping snowball._

_His skin tingled from the cold. He heard her laugh as he wiped the snow from his face._

"_You deserved it," she giggled, "you know you did."_

_With no warning, he charged at her, knocked her to the ground and keeping her there by lying on top of her._

"_What am I going to do with you, Miss Olivia?" he murmured as he brushed a strand of hair out of her face._

"_You could—"_

"_I could do this." Then he dropped a pile of snow on her face._

**Everything we had  
><strong>

_He found himself sitting where he swore he would never go._

_From across the tiny table, Olivia was watching him closely._

"_You're uncomfortable—"_

"'_Course not." he lied as he shrugged his shoulders. "I love coming to Madam Puddifoot's…" he said as he absorbed the flying cherubs and mass amount of surrounding pink. "Favorite place to be in Hogsmeade."  
><em>

_She laughed at him, "We don't have to stay," she stood up.  
><em>

"_No, no." he reached out and grabbed her hand to make her sit back down. "You want to spend Valentine's Day here…we should. I promised we would."_

"_But you're uncom—"_

"_I'll get through it." he muttered with a smirk on his face as he rubbed his thumb against the back of her hand._

**Everything we had**_  
><em>

_All he could pay attention to was the feeling of her warm skin underneath his as they became tangled in his sheets._

"_Sirius." her voice was silky in his ear as he drowned in her vanilla scent. She moaned softly as his lips grazed his neck._

_He had been here before. He had done this before with other girls. Ones that didn't matter to him anywhere near as much the girl in his arms._

_He wasn't new at this; he had experience. But all the experience in the world didn't matter; he was shaking, she made him nervous. He wanted this to be perfect for her._

"_Are you sure?" he muttered as his hands slipped down to her hips and slipped slightly under the hem of her shirt._

_She didn't bother responding; she only began to unbutton his shirt. Grinning, he lifted the hem over her head and reattached his lips to her as he pulled the covers over them._

**Everything we had**_  
><em>

"_Mrs. Sirius Black." he murmured quickly as he looked over at her._

_She was bathed in the orange glow of the fireplace as she turned to look at him._

"_What?" she laughed, the sound like bells. _

"_Mrs. Sirius Black."_

"_What are you talking about?" she said with a playful roll of her eyes._

"_That's going to be your name one day." he promised._

_Olivia only laughed and shook her head._

"_You want to marry me?"_

"_One day." he agreed._

"_Why would you wanna go do a silly thing like—"_

_He pressed his lips to hers to cut off her teasing. Her fingers were soft as he tangled their hands together._

"_Because you're perfect and I want the world to know you're mine, Mrs. Olivia Black."_

**Is no longer there, longer there**_  
><em>

He had done it. He had accomplished escaping the place where most people fade away. He was free. Well, he was as free as an escaped convict being chased by Ministry aurors could be. Which…really wasn't that free at all.

He should've left Britain immediately. He should've disappeared completely. But he couldn't. He couldn't help himself. He had to go to their flat. He had to.

The furniture was covered in sheets. A thick layer of dust covered everything else. No one had been inside for years. The only occupants had been spiders. He would admit, there had been a dim hope that he would enter his old flat and find her there, waiting for him.

**Well, you saw for yourself  
>The way it played out<strong>_  
><em>

Scared to make a sound, he silently crept through the flat and down the hallway. He opened the door to the bedroom and went slowly to the bed.

Sirius lay down on the bed—on the right side, the left side was hers. It only took a few moments before the memories hit him.

He could see her clearly standing in the doorway. He remembered how his head thumped and the room spun as he struggled to get up to go after her.

Sirius had ruined everything, he knew he had. He remembered the look in her eyes when she asked about the others. And there had been others. Many others.

**For you, I am blinded  
>For you, I am blinded<br>For you  
><strong>

The thought struck him quickly. Someone had been in the flat. Someone had thrown sheets over the furniture. Someone had made the bed.

He didn't even think about it as his hand reached out for the bedside table. The black box that was inside was gone.

Someone had the ring. He hoped it was her. If she had it, then there was a chance that she knew. Maybe she knew how much he cared.

**I am no gentleman  
>I can be a prick<br>And I do regret more than I admit**

He couldn't stay there forever. He had leave. He had to move on. They would come looking for him eventually; the aurors would look at their flat eventually. He wanted to stay, but he knew he couldn't.

**You have been followed  
>Back to same place I<br>Sat with you drink for drink**_  
><em>

Sirius didn't have much time. He disguised himself as well as he could. Sirius couldn't risk being caught, but he had to see her. He had to see her one more time; who knew when he would get another chance to.

**Take the pain out of love  
>And then love won't exist<strong>_  
><em>

She sat in the Leaky Cauldron, fire whiskey in her hand. But unlike the last time, she wasn't alone. Remus sat to her left.

Sirius wondered how long it took Remus to make a move. Did he comfort Olivia when she cried about their relationship? Did he swoop in and play her knight in shining armor while he, the villain of the scenario, was led away in chains?

Sirius knew he had no right to be bitter. He knew it, but that didn't stop him.

**Everything we had**_  
><em>

"_They hate me Sirius!"_

"_So? What does it matter?"_

"_They're your parents! They raised you! You have to care about what they think—"_

"_Honestly, I couldn't care less about what they think of you. It doesn't matter to me, Olivia. In fact, them disliking you, makes this even better in my eyes."_

"_So if they did like me, you'd dump me?"_

"_Liv, no! That's not what I'm saying."_

"_Then what are you saying? I don't understand. Your parents hate me—"_

"_It doesn't matter to me what they think!"_

**Everything we had**

"_I didn't really know how to explain." he murmured into her arm as she lay in his arms. Absentmindedly, his fingers traced swirls and patterns on her arm._

"_You didn't want to tell me?" she whispered._

"_No…no it's not that…I just…you have parents that love you…that would support you even if they disagreed with what you were doing. If they hated me, they would've pretended like they didn't because they knew you were happy…"_

"_Yours don't?"_

"_No. No, they don't. They…Liv, they're pure-blood snobs. They're Slytherins. They're everything I could never be and I…didn't know how to explain that my family is disgraceful and that my parents don't care about me and—"_

"_It doesn't matter." she said, twisting in his arms to face him. "Your family doesn't matter. It doesn't change how I feel about you."_

**Everything we had**

_They were seventh years._

_She had been his for three years._

"_I love you."_

_Olivia sat across from him in the library._

_She was studying the potions they had to know for their test tomorrow._

_He was studying her face and the way her hair kept falling into her eyes._

_Her quill stopped scratching against her paper as she met his gaze._

"_What?"_

"_Do you not believe me? It's…it's been three years…did you think I didn't?"_

"_Honestly…honestly I thought the word wasn't in your vocabulary." she said softly with a smile on her face._

"_Well?"_

"_Well I love you too."_

**Everything we had **

_He knew what she was going to do an instant before she did._

_Giggling, she reached out and shoved him hard into the lake but he was ready. He held onto her hand as he fell backward into the dark water of the Black Lake with him._

"_Sirius Black!" she shrieked as she came to the surface. He only laughed at her, which earned him a splash in the face._

"_It's not funny." she scolded as her teeth chattered. 'This water is freezing!"_

"_Liv," he said trying to catch his breath as he stayed about the water. "Come on…I think you look—" he reached out and pushed her wet, dripping hair out of her face, "—beautiful like this." he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her flush against him. "Absolutely beautiful."_

**Everything we had**

"_Sirius!" she giggled as her hands found their way up to his. "Where are we?"_

"_It's a surprise!"_

"_Sirius, come on." she groaned. "What are we doing?"_

"_Just…shhh."_

_He stopped moving as he positioned her in the middle of the room. "Okay," he murmured into her ear before kissing her cheek. "You can open now."_

_She stood in the middle of the apartment quickly for a moment. "What's…what's this?" she asked._

"_It's…well it's uh…it's my flat. Well…I mean…it's mine for now…'cause I was, you know, wondering if you, ya know, wanted to move in with me. So this could be our flat…if, you know, you wanted."_

_She turned to face him slowly, almost incredulously; "You want to live with me?"_

"_Uh…yes?"_

"_You want to have to wake up to me in the morning?"_

"_Yes."_

"_Even though I'll look a mess."_

"_Yes."_

"_I…I just…" she stopped speaking as she turned on her heel. Promptly, she traveled down the hall to her left, exploring more of the flat._

_After what seemed like forever as he stood shaking in the entrance way, she returned to him._

"_Do you hate it? Is it too soon? I can…we can just forget I said anything. I mean—"_

_Her warm hand grasping his stopped his speech as she led him down the hall._

"_Where are we going?" he muttered._

"_We are going to christen our new bed in our new bedroom in our new flat."_

**Everything we had**

"_Lily looks beautiful." she murmured. "Can't believe they're getting married." Liv shook her head. "Well I mean of course I can believe it. They're…they're bloody perfect for each other."_

"_What's wrong Liv?" he asked quietly as they waited for James and Lily's wedding to begin. "What's bothering you?"_

"_Nothing, it's…it's foolish." she went to step away from him but he caught her hand. _

"_Liv, come on."_

_She sighed, her breath hitting his cheek. "How can they be so sure?"_

"_Sure about what?"_

"_That they'll…survive? They're getting married…they're cementing themselves to each other for all of time…but this is a war Sirius. What if one of them dies? Then…then the other will have that ring as a mockery for the rest of their life of what they lost and—"_

_"Liv, nothing is going to happen to them. James would never do anything to lose Lily and Lily would kick arse to protect James."_

"_But—"_

"_Nothing is going to happen to them and nothing is going to happen to us."_

**Everything we had**

_As soon as he passed through the doorway, the full force of her body hit him and propelled him backwards._

"_I thought it was you." she whispered in a strangled voice. "I thought you were gone."_

"_Sh," he murmured as she began to shake in his arms. "I'm fine, Liv."_

"_What if I lost you? What would I have done?"_

"_It will never be me."_

"_You can't promise that. You can't. You don't know…one day…one day you could be out there and you could…die and I'd be left alone."_

"_I'll never leave you, Olivia."_

"_Do you swear?" she whispered._

_He thought of the black box that was in his cloak pocket, waiting to be shown to her. "Yes, I promise."_

**I'll be with you wherever you go  
>Through the eyes of a fly on the wall<strong>

He watched her laugh at something Remus said. The sound was the same—the exact same sound of little bells tingling. His heart throbbed at the sound.

Her ginger curls still fell in a mess about her shoulders—looking as if she just got out of bed. Sirius tortured himself, wondering if it was Remus' bed she had gotten out of.

Olivia bit her lip while she listened to Remus; Sirius had to keep himself from catapulting himself across the dim barroom to her side. He missed her lips; what he would give to be able to kiss her again.

Olivia was his girl. His. Even after all of these years apart, he loved her and she would always be his in his mind.

His to love.

And his to lose.


	2. Jar of Hearts

**Song: Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri **

**Lyrics belong to Christina Perri and recognizable characters and HP-verse belong to Rowling.**

* * *

><p>Heart-stopping. Gut-churning. Shiver-inducing.<p>

Her face flushed red. Her head was spinning.

Why was he here?

"Olivia—"

"No." she cut off Remus before he could say anything else. "What is he doing here?"

"This is his family's house. He's…given it to the Order as a headquarters."

"That was probably something you should have told me." she muttered as she found her gaze transfixed upon the gaunt man sitting at the kitchen table. He had yet to notice her presence.

"Would you have come?"

"No."

"Olivia—"

Remus had said her name one time too many. The decrepit man looked up sharply at her name. His eyes widened as his gaze fell upon her; stumbling, he stood from the table.

"Olivia." he breathed.

**I know I can't take one more step towards you**

**Cause all that's waiting is regret**

She turned from him.

He looked the same as he had on the wanted posters that had tormented her.

Mad. Crazy. Insane.

The stark white of his eyes against the broken grey of his pupil nearly broke her.

He wanted her to come to his side. As if she had forgotten what he had done thirteen years ago. But she had not and so she could not.

"Olivia, please—"

His plea was cut off by the door to the dinning room swinging shut behind her.

**And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore**

She couldn't do this again. She was halfway to the front door by the time he reached her.

"Liv, wait—"

His fingers ghosted against her shoulder and she whorled around to face him. His fingers were cold to the touch.

"Don't touch me." she snapped.

His bony arm fell to his side.

"How could I have been so stupid as to believe I would never to have to see you again?" she muttered to herself. "You were supposed to waste away in there. And then you…you escaped and I—" she cut herself off, not wanting to expose too much to him.

"Liv…you…you…" he sighed, "You look good."

She rolled her eyes in anger. "You don't." It was true. She couldn't fathom that the thin, tired, _haunted _man before her was the same handsome boy she once knew.

"Liv, don't—"

**You lost the love I loved the most**

"Don't what? Don't tell you the truth? What are you doing, Sirius? Go back into the kitchen and leave me alone."

"I can't."

"And why not?"

"Because I lov—"

Out of reflex, her hand flew out and slapped him across the face. "Don't you dare."

"Liv—"

"You ruined everything, Sirius." she hissed. "You don't get to come back and tell me that you lo—" she couldn't even whisper the lie that he had dared to try and pass off of his lips. "You don't get to tell me lies and expect everything to be okay. You're the one that ruined us."

**I learned to live half alive  
>And now you want me one more time<strong>

"Olivia, please. I can't—"

"I moved on, Sirius."

He drew back from her, "There's…there's someone else?" Surprise was written across his face. Had he known of the irreplaceable hold he once held over her heart or was it just arrogance? Was it just incredulity that she had found someone she loved more?

"Well…no. But there could be. It's…it's been thirteen years. I'm over you."

"You can't expect me to believe that you don't love me anymore."

"I didn't say that." she mumbled. "Sirius…why…why can't you just let me live the rest of my life? I can live without you now. It hurts, okay? Is that what you want to know? It hurts knowing that I wasn't good enough to keep you…_entertained_. It hurts everyday and I don't think I'll ever get over that. I don't need you standing there telling me lies and making me feel things that I…that I'm trying to get over!"

"I don't…I don't want to hurt you. I just…I need another chance, Olivia."

"You're not getting one."

**And who do you think you are**

**Running 'round leaving scars  
>Collecting your jar of hearts<br>And tearing love apart**

She landed in a sobbing heap on her living room floor.

How could he does this to her?

She spoke to him for only a few minutes. She felt his touch for only a second.

How was it that with such little interaction that he ripped open the scar on her heart?

The gaping, pulsating hole in her chest was burning; it was tormenting her with everything she could never have.

It had been years! Years and years and yet still, she loved him.

He had cheated and she loved him.

He threw away everything and she loved him.

Still! Still! For all of these years, she couldn't let him go.

She had managed to quell her heart's furious demands when he was in Azkaban because they could never be, with him locked away behind those daunting walls. He was a known murderer, a traitor to his best friends and she loved him still.

When he escaped, she had to fight night and day to ignore the calls of her heart to find him. He was dangerous; he was a killer but her heart called for him none the less.

She wanted nothing more than to be rid of him and yet somehow he was back in her life.

**You're gonna catch a cold  
>From the ice inside your soul<strong>

He never cared about her.

It was simple as that.

Sirius had so carelessly and so easily thrown away everything they had ever had together. Clearly, she had meant nothing. Clearly, she had not mattered.

Sirius Black cared only for himself. No one else mattered. He was about personal gratification.

Get in. Get out.

He did not care how many shattered hearts he left in his wake.

**So don't come back for me**

The sane dreams plagued her as they had since he left. The same haunting dreams that ruined her sleep and made her awake shivering and shuddering.

He is calling for her. She can't see his face but she can hear his voice—the voice she'd recognized anywhere. In the darkness that surrounded her, the only thing she saw a hand reaching out.

The veins showed heavily on the pale skin; the bones and knuckles jutted sharply underneath the thin skin. He kept calling out her name. Then his face appeared.

Hollowed out eyes staring at her from the darkness. Eyes empty of all emotion. Just staring at her.

And the hand is still reaching out toward her but she does not know if it is reaching out for help or to help her.

Either way, she is helpless to move—helpless to grasp the hand.

**Who do you think you are**

"Liv? Liv, wake up. It's just a dream."

She opened her eyes slowly, blinking to adjust to the light.

"Liv?" he asked quietly. "You fell asleep in the kitchen."

She was still dazed from her dream. Olivia could feel his warm hands on her shoulders but didn't think much about it as she tried to wake up completely.

"Olivia." his voice was sweet and tender, as if he was trying to coax her.

In the wake of her dream, she forgot him. She forgot what he had done. Wrenching out of his grip, she pushed away from the table.

"Liv—"

"Stay away from me." she hissed.

**I hear you're asking all around  
>If I am anywhere to be found<strong>

"He talks about you." Remus informed her.

"Am I supposed to care?" she said bitterly.

"First thing he asked me when we met up again was if I knew where you were. He wanted to talk to you. He wanted to find you. I had to talk him out of it—I figured you would've turned him in."

Olivia quipped, "I'm still considering it."

Remus gave her a knowing look, "Liv, I know you're hurt—"

"Of course I'm hurt!" she hissed. "He cheated on me so many times—"

"I just think you should give him a chance—"

"A chance to what? Cheat on me again?"

"He was under a lot of pressure."

"That's a fucking excuse—"

"No its not, Olivia!" he said loudly, starting to get annoyed by her stubbornness. "He was their Secret Keeper. But he was scared. He didn't trust himself. He thought he was going to fail them. Every day! He…The pressure got to him. Sirius was afraid of letting them down."

**But I have grown too strong  
>To ever fall back in your arms<br>And learn to live half alive**

She had not know about the pressure Sirius was under. He was entrusted with his friends' lives. She wasn't sure if that should matter.

Sirius didn't tell her about how scared he was feeling because he was trying to protect her. He thought he was going to lose her so he pushed her away.

But should that matter to her? She had years to get over him. Years to forget his scent and his touch. And the way he smiled at her. The way he held her.

Forgotten. All of it. Pushed back to the deepest and darkest recesses of her mind where the memories would not plague her.

She was not better off without him. Olivia's life was not better without him. Whatever life she did have was nowhere near the equivalent of her life with him.

But she could not go back.

**And now you want me one more time  
>And who do you think you are<br>Running 'round leaving scars  
>Collecting your jar of hearts<br>And tearing love apart**

"I can't."

"He had thirteen years to repent, Olivia. He made a mistake."

"Yes, a _mistake_. The same mistake over and over and over with who knows how many girls! In our bed! After it was over, I was left to wonder how many girls traipsed through our apartment."

"Liv—"

"I'm just supposed to accept what he did?"

"He's sorry, Liv."

"I'm sorry too! I'm sorry that I ever trusted him!"

"Liv," Remus cupped her face gently in his hands, "I know you're hurt and you want to keep him away. But you have to let this go. You guys were given a second chance."

**You're gonna catch a cold  
>From the ice inside your soul<strong>

**So don't come back for me**

Movement in the doorway caught their attention. With his hands still on her face, Remus and Olivia turned to look, only to find Sirius staring at them incredulous.

His hands were clenched at his sides and he opened his mouth to speak once, twice before closing his mouth and stomping away.

Sharing a look, Liv and Remus quickly followed him.

**Who do you think you are**

Sirius started in on them the moment the kitchen door closed behind them, "So how long did it take for you to move in on her, my friend?" Sirius hissed.

Remus shook his head, "Sirius—"

"No, come on! I've always known that you were in love with her. Come on! Tell me! How long did it take! A few years? Months? Weeks? Or was it days after? Well?"

"That's enough, Sirius!" she broke in to the argument.

"Why? He broke the code. Friends don't date friend's—"

"Even if we were together, Sirius, and we aren't, it wouldn't be any of your business! _You _ruined things. And I deserve to be happy!"

"But you can't be! Not without me!"

"You're so arrogant, it's—!"

"Liv, I just…I know there's no one else better for me!"

"But what about me, Sirius? What if there's someone better for me?" she hissed.

**Dear, it took so long just to feel alright**

She was finishing a cup of tea when she heard the door open behind her.

"I'm sorry about what I said yesterday about you and Remus." he murmured.

She sighed, having hoped that she would not have to see him today.

Liv placed the empty glass in the sink and turned to walk past him.

"Liv, wait , please—" he grabbed her hand and pulled her back.

"Sirius—"

Before she could protest, he kissed her.

Every memory that she had locked away came flooding back into her mind and fried her senses. She moved without thinking, wrapping her arms around his neck, pulling him close, and threading her fingers through his hair.

His lips were soft and gentle, moving against hers as they always had. She had missed him so much.

Sirius pulled away and whispered, "Liv."

But that was enough to remind her. She shoved him away and moved quickly toward the door, whispering "oh god" over and over.

The desperation leaked out of his tone. "Liv, wait—"

"No!" she said with a quivering voice. "Just tell me why do you want to keep hurting me, Sirius?"

**Remember how to put back the light in my eyes  
>I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed<br>Cause you broke all your promises**

She pushed through the swinging kitchen door, hoping to get away from him, but he gave chase.

"Wait, Olivia, I'm sorry!"

"You keep saying that and it doesn't mean anything anymore!"

"Liv, I just…I miss you." Sirius said sadly.

"And I miss not being in pain every day. I wish I could go back and never meet you."

"You don't mean that!"

"Yes, I do! I don't deserve to be hurt!"

**And now you're back  
>You don't get to get me back<strong>

"I know, I know." Sirius shook his head, "I didn't mean to—"

"You just come back and expect me to fall at your feet as if you didn't do anything wrong! I can't— No! Things can't be the same!"

"Why not?" he yelled. "I'm sorry! I made mistakes! And letting you go was the hardest thing I've ever done!"

"Because I can't trust you. Never again."

**And who do you think you are  
>Running 'round leaving scars<br>Collecting your jar of hearts  
>And tearing love apart<strong>

"You make me do stupid things, Liv."

"So this is my fault?" she yelled. "You—"

"No, no! I wasn't talking about that. I meant…when I first escaped, I tried to find you. I…I went to the apartment. It was stupid; you had no reason to stay there. I went to the Leaky Cauldron…and you were there with Remus—"

"You could've been caught." she shook her head at him.

"I just wanted to see you." he said quietly.

**You're gonna catch a cold**

**From the ice inside your soul**

She was hiding from him. Olivia did not even bother pretend she wasn't. She could not face him. She wasn't sure she could handle it.

Her fingers gently twisted the chain that lay around her neck. She had gone to the apartment after he had been caught. The black box was something she had just stumbled upon when looking through the drawers.

It was proof that he loved her. Ever she had found it, she had not taken it off; she had threaded it on a chain and kept it around always.

**So don't come back for me  
>Don't come back at all<strong>

Olivia could protest as much as she wanted.

She was in love with Sirius Black. No matter how hard she had tried to let go, she could not. Olivia could not forget him. She had tried to preserve her heart by putting it away in a little jar on the shelf; she tried protecting it by putting away her feelings. But it did not work.

Sirius Black was the one man who could unravel her. Olivia found she did not mind.

**And who do you think you are  
>Running 'round leaving scars<br>Collecting your jar of hearts  
>And tearing love apart<strong>

"What are you talking about?" Her heart was thumping loudly in her ears. He was being crazy.

Sirius shrugged, "Harry needs me."

"You can't leave." Liv shook her head.

"I have to…he's…he's all I have left and he needs me."

"Sirius—"

"Olivia, I have to go. I don't have time to—"

"Time to argue? Time to explain? Trust me, Sirius, I'm well aware that you don't like to explain."

"That's not fair."

"I'm sorry I'm not being fair; it's quite terrible of me to be unfair to you since you cheated on me and all!"

"Olivia—"

"All you had to do was tell me you didn't love me anymore, Sirius. That was it. 'I don't love you.' That's all. Just…just four words and you would've been free to fuck anyone you wanted. But even that was too much for you."

"It wasn't like that!"

"It doesn't matter."

"Yes it does! It matters. It matters to me, more than anything. I didn't stop loving you. I never stopped loving you."

"You proved that."

"Olivia—"

"This wouldn't have been so bad if you just told me you didn't love me. The truth is all it would've taken. Then you would've been free."

"I didn't want to be free! I didn't want to be without you! I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life! I wanted to wake up in the morning with you by the side and just…" his voice lowered, losing the desperate tone his voice had adopted, "I wanted to be everything for you. I wanted to think—"

"But you didn't think. You didn't think about me. You didn't care about me. You cheated and then you got yourself arrested and you left me alone! I needed you—"

"I tried to get you to take me back and you didn't!"

"Did you think I would? How could I? You were sleeping with any woman you could! How could I even look at you? Being alone was better than constantly wondering why I wasn't good enough! It was better than wondering how you could've left me so alone!"

"Olivia—"

"Just go!" she screamed. "Go save Harry! He needs you. I don't. Not anymore."

"Liv—"

"I'll see you when you come back. I want to be there when everyone yells you at for being stupid enough to leave Headquarters." she turned her back on him and furiously whipped the welling tears out of her eyes.

She heard his heavy footfalls lead away from her and toward the door. Then suddenly his arms wrapped around her, pinning her arms down. She didn't have it in her to fight him.

"Olivia," his breath was warm on her ear. "Liv, I…I have been in love with you every single day of my life since I was sixteen. And for every single one of those days, I knew I never deserved you and I lived in fear of you figuring that out. I cheated on you because I am a selfish bastard and I was too proud to tell you how afraid I was. You can hate me all you want. You can wish me never met, but know that every day I was with you I was never happier. I have always been in love with you and I will always love you. You may feel alone and I know it may not mean anything to you at all but just know that you are never really alone. I will always be with you."

He pressed his lips against her cheek and she shivered at his touch. Once again, his footsteps led away from her. The door closed behind him.

**You're gonna catch a cold  
>From the ice inside your soul<br>**

There was an unsettling feeling in her heart. She felt empty and alone. The ring was cold against her chest. Olivia was afraid. She had never been so scared in her life. To see him walk out the door felt like a knife was been stabbed and twisted into her gut.

**Don't come back for me**

She waited anxiously in the kitchen for the first sign of news. Olivia jumped at every noise that the old house made, thinking it was him returning to her.

Finally, after all of these years of waiting and pain, they were going to be together. Finally.

The kitchen door swung open; Olivia got to her feet and smiled, thinking it was Sirius.

Instead, it was Remus looking tired and exhausted.

"Remus?" she asked quietly. "Where's Sirius?"

**Don't come back at all**

The man hesitated.

"Remus, what's going on?" she demanded as her heart thumped harder.

"Liv—" he began slowly.

"What happened? Where is he?" There was an unsettling twisting in her gut.

"Liv, he's—"

**Who do you think you are?**

"Liv, he was fighting…protecting Harry and he…" Remus sighed, "Bellatrix hit him with the Killing Curse."

"No." Liv shook her head as tears welled in her eyes. "No! Why…why are you lying to me, Remus?"

"I wish I was, Olivia—"

"No!" she screamed as she began to sob. "He can't be. He can't be!"

**Who do you think you are?**

It was classic of him. She should have expected it.

He had her right where he wanted her.

She had forgiven him, somehow. And now he was gone.

"How could he have left me all alone, Remus? He…he said I would never be alone and…and now…I am. I love him; I don't know how to not love him. What am I supposed to do, Remus?"

Remus didn't have an answer.

**Who do you think you are?**

He was gone. He had gone and left her alone yet again with nothing but a cold and empty space beside her in bed.

She lay awake at night with his parting words rebounding in her head.

_I will always be with you._

_I will always be with you._

_I will always be with you._

Except now he wasn't and all she had left of him was her memories of their time together and a cold ring that held promises of what could never be.

She had let him in again and he had let her down.

Despite his insistences that she would never be alone, he was gone and she left yet again with an aching heart.

_I will always be with you._

_I will always be with you._

_I will always be with you._


End file.
